Tuesday, March 11
This has been a terrible morning online. My latest master Kandor isn’t anywhere, nor have I found any of my sisters either last night or this morning. The channel appears to be dead and there are no messages or email for me from him. What could have happened? I am afraid to change my nick and start from scratch, if he should suddenly appear, but how long can I wait? Is he in hiding? I wish I knew what was going on.
And is this all foolishness? Probably. I’m not even sure why I care, and why I do this. Is it just a liking for more excitement than real life will ever provide? Certainly, being a real life slave is much more exciting than having a vanilla life style. I wonder what exactly it would take for me to lose interest in IRC. I just don’t think it is a reflection on my commitment to Karl, though. I think it is more a commentary on me.
I spoke to Karl about having a renewal of vows ceremony. Wouldn’t that be wonderful! Too bad that we couldn’t invite anyone or even have anyone to officiate. But it would be meaningful to me to be on my knees and swear devotion to him and to have him publicly declare his ownership of me. To collar me, before the world. I have a poorly repressed desire for everyone to know how happy I am to be owned.
Wednesday
Still no sign of Kandor, except for a short message, “Look for me on S&S” so I looked there to no avail. At least I know he is alive and online, even when I am not.
Today is my day with Peggy, after having missed last week. I am looking forward to seeing her. After all, she is one of our two potential guests at the ceremony. It’s a sad commentary when you can only invite your respective therapists!
Thursday/Friday
All is right with the world. Kandor is back. Karl talked to him the other night, with limited success although many good intentions. Kandor took offense at Karl’s statement that I was easily bored. I suppose he took it as a commentary on him or criticism or something. Kandor was really pissy to me the next morning, and of course I responded by being even worse. So I got kicked from the channel. Had to crawl back, groveling.
Saturday
Such a lovely day today. Karl and I did absolutely nothing productive, or at least I did nothing. He did almost nothing, which is the best one can expect from such a workaholic. I slept late, till 4:30, and went online as usual. Karl let me go online throughout the day, and I must say, it is really fun. The relationship with Kandor is interesting, but very low pressure in the sense that it does not seem to engage me emotionally, but remains entertaining. I did have a nice long chat with Nora, who will always be my best friend on IRC. It is great that she is coping with the schizophrenia of IRC/real life so well or at least so much better than I was able to cope. Where would I be if he had not been willing to become a “co-dependent?”. Up shit creek, that’s where. There has not been one moment since I discovered the potentiality of d/s that I have had a doubt of its rightness for me. Not one doubt. I have slid into submissiveness with nary a backwards look. Amazingly enough, in my heart I believe that Karl was just as natural a Dom as I am a submissive. I hope this is not self-delusion.
Still thinking and dreaming about a collaring ceremony. Still can’t conceive of any way to pull it off without scandalizing everyone, even those who are open-minded and prepared for the worst. You forget just how bizarre most people would think the things we do are, even the power exchange parts which are the least sexual. And to think of their faces if I kneeled at Karl’s feet and kissed them! I think if we have a ceremony, it has to be the day before we permanently move to the Bahamas. How I wish, though, that there were at least some friends who could understand and even appreciate what we have now. Perhaps there are but we are all too timid to even broach the subject.
I was thinking about pain. For a long time, I needed a lot of pain. It was the only thing that kept me at all centered. Every few days, it seemed, I would start to go off the deep end and a beating would bring me back. As I grow more stable, I seem to need the pain less, and Karl must sense that, for he is using the crop less than he did before. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I sort of don’t want to get out of practice. If I don’t get the crop for a while, my tolerance really goes down. And I love, truly love, that place where pain doesn’t hurt, where it is pure pleasure. I want subspace along with the rest of the girls. I want to be driven to that place by pain.
And humiliation. We are doing less of that too, and whether it is because there is no time, or because Karl doesn’t really like it, or because we don’t need it anymore, I just don’t know. My feeling is that I will not go deeper without more humiliation, and I know there is much deeper that I can go. I don’t want to put pressure on Karl, though. It is becoming important to me that he take the lead now. That we start on his agenda. That he begin to take me places. Of course, I can keep giving suggestions, trying not to top from the bottom, but I am going to wait this time, and see what he does. He is perfectly capable of controlling the scene. All he needs is time to digest everything and confidence in his abilities. I just don’t want to see us in a rut, standing still at the point we are currently at. There is much, much more that we can do, and really need to do. I’m not talking about specific acts, but more we need to do in terms of dominance and submission. I am pretty sure Karl recognizes that, but it’s easy to forget how new he really is to the scene, and without IRC to hasten the pace. My experiences online have been the equivalent of years of real life, I believe. While real life is not identical with cyber, and is much more complex and rich, cyber enabled me to develop a model for where I want to be. And to explore the world of submissiveness. I would never, ever have gotten to where I am without it.
I think, for me, the question really boils down to control. Always control. I need more. I think the level of control by Karl is not stable. It is a far cry from “play” but not yet Total Power Exchange. I think the current level is fine for now, but will not withstand serious trouble. And of course, it is not completely satisfying to me. Is it what I still seek on IRC? When I speak of needing more control, I am not even positive what I’m talking about. Do I mean that I want Karl to deprive me of more things? Choose my clothes? Order me around? I think it goes deeper than that. He needs to break down barriers, get inside my head. How does he do that? I don’t really know.
So is this why I want an online master? To bring the overall control level up? It makes me laugh to think that one could do that, get additional control, like adding a tablespoon of butter to the olive oil. But what attracts me to Kandor is this: he is stern, takes no bullshit, is cool, controls me sexually online; what turns me off about him is his occasional neediness, his willingness to be topped by a slave, and his spelling. I like the fact that Kandor made a bet with me as the stake; I like his unpredictability; and of course, I appreciate his teachings. And, he doesn’t give a lot of homework.
Will there come a day when I don’t want to be online? Just don’t have the answer to that. I like best to do this with Karl. But because that’s not possible in the real world, I seek out cyber where it is possible.
The short answer to why I am with Kandor is this: it has been sufficient to take my thoughts away from the past. It entertains me. It’s a terrific distraction. Long after I stopped seeing Volker, I found it difficult to stop thinking about him. That was the single biggest problem I experienced, and the obsessiveness did not seem to be getting better. It may even have been growing. Since I found Gor again and Kandor, though, that burden has been almost entirely lifted. I no longer dwell on Volker, although I think about him sometimes. He feels far, far removed from me. The memories are very remote. I feel saved, and I am grateful to Kandor for that.
Sunday evening
Well, lo and behold, I am now in the pissiest mood I have been in a long time. Karl confirmed to me what I felt, that he is in a holding pattern trying to catch his breath as a dominant. While I understand that, intellectually, and even felt all right about it as he was telling me, it has been gnawing at me ever since and making me feel unpleasant. Then, we were going to work together at the computer. He would read my journal and we would look for some of his secret files which he would then reveal to me. He read my journal, but then couldn’t figure out his password, and got distracted erasing unnecessary files which took forever and was completely boring. Then, when I wanted to go back online, he said “no”. So, I had to sit in the living room and read the newspaper. I feel sullen and miserable. If he doesn’t want to master me, at least temporarily, why can’t I go online and be mastered. Or at least entertained. Why is it such an effort for Karl to be my master? Is it so unnatural that he must work and struggle to do it? Am I forcing him into a mold that is uncomfortable? Or am I unrealistic about what masters are? Do I imagine some extraterrestrial master who is never tired or weak, the kind you see on IRC for an hour a day? Someone once said to me that you couldn’t expect a real dom to chase you around the house with a whip all the time. I certainly don’t expect that but isn’t there some level of control, some masterliness, that one would expect ALL the time from a master? Jeesh. I just don’t know.
Kandor certainly does not appear any more consistent than Karl. If anything, less so. I was certainly not impressed by his confession that he subbed for one of his slaves in private for months, although it was honest of him to tell me. Honesty can certainly be an overrated virtue. But of course, I don’t have to live with Kandor, and if I really got tired of him, or disgusted with him, I could walk away with few regrets. With Karl, on the other hand, it is do or die. All my eggs are in one basket, and if he won’t or can’t master me, I have no alternative. I really wish Kandor scened better. It is adequate, especially with me feeling as horny as I do now, but a far cry from what I felt with Volker. And the sexual component with Volker had nothing to do with my emotions. It was strictly that we were on the same wavelength and that he could write descriptively. With Kandor, it all happens in the wink of an eye. I hope that at least he is satisfied. It is a real mystery to me what men do on the other end of IRC. To this day I have no idea if Volker masturbated when he was online or saved it up for sex with his wife. Many men, I think, do jerk off online. Nora told me that Swan does and I believe that it is more common than not. But as for the intense relationships that I have had, it remains an unknown.
Well, perhaps I have written myself into a slightly better mood. When things turn even a little sour it is disorienting. I can see myself getting un-subbie, resentful, critical. Oh dear diary, please be patient with me!
Monday March 17 evening
Well, this was an eventful evening. I got home from work and told Karl all about how I felt. He knew much of it from reading my journal. We talked about how I was unhappy, and how I wanted to fuck my brains out online, so I took a shot at it. Unfortunately, it just didn’t work. Either I don’t have the patience anymore or something. I had a mildly interesting chat with someone and the mildly interesting became mildly boring, became see you, fellow. So, I went to see Kandor and was so unpleasant that Kandor offered to release me. Which was what I thought I wanted, but when he offered, was totally unable to accept. I literally have to be driven to do something like that.
At any rate, I told Kandor that between him being cautious and Karl taking a break from Mastering, I was feeling crazy and frustrated. I am not sure if he understood, but he seemed to. Kandor said he would treat me as any other slave, which is what I want, I suppose. Of course, this doesn’t solve any of my other problems with him, such as our sexual incompatibility, if that is what it is, or his lack of sexual imagination, if that is what it is.
Tuesday am.
Ahhh, the first cup of coffee of the day and the first cigarette or shall I say it, butt of the day. This whole last week has been really awful for me. It bothers me very much that Karl can turn off his masterhood. It makes me wonder and wonder what drives it, whether it is just an act, or whether it emanates from a deep need in him, as my submissiveness flows from me. I don’t mean “act” in a derogatory sense, but only in the sense that I wonder if it is a NEED at all, or just a role that he can assume or doff for a period. Of course, I want it to be a need, so that I know it is genuine.
Evening
Karl is my master and all is well with the world. A good experiment of sorts, I suppose. What will happen to Karen if she is not mastered for a period of time. Maybe this is all a game and she will not even notice. NOT. When he does not master me, I fall apart. Or, I suppose one could say, I revert to my former state of being, unhappy, cynical, critical, paranoid. Maybe he needed a break, maybe it was a test, maybe both. Whatever it was, I am glad it is over. I hate feeling the way I did this morning and for the last few days. Today, I glow again. IF YOU READ THIS, THIS IS NOT A GAME!
Wednesday a.m.
I woke up too early this morning and can’t go online yet.
I am bringing Peggy some D/s books today, after having promised to do so for several weeks and forgotten. Screw the Roses is a good one, I think, because it’s light reading and has lots of pictures. The tone is obnoxious, though, especially the authors’ attitude toward lifestyle D/s. I don’t know what they think lifestyle is. Do they believe it only exists if the slave sits by the threshold all day in chains, waiting to be used? Is that the common definition? There have got to be people all over the world like Karl and me, creating lifestyle D/s for themselves, seeing how to fit a Master/slave relationship into all their real world concerns like jobs, children and vanilla environments. And if we can do that, with as little support from the outside as we have had, then there must be many, many more like us.
Friday afternoon
I am very remiss writing in this journal, and events are unfolding faster than I can keep up with them in my head, much less on paper. Last night, I got to thinking, and realized that I was terminally bored with Kandor. It was really precipitated by his response to an email of mine. He not only can’t spell, he writes worse than Karl’s students, which is saying a lot. And of course, there are all those other problems which don’t bear repeating. I talked it over with Karl, and he agreed that I should ask for release so I went online fairly late, and in about five minutes the dirty deed was done. Kandor was extremely nice about it, and asked me to keep in touch with him by mail. Because of the lateness of the hour, and because it didn’t seem quite appropriate to go cruising so soon after being released, I went offline, and didn’t get back on until this morning. I woke up at 3:00 a.m. and wasn’t able to get back to sleep. Karl agreed that I could get up earlier than usual and go online, but only for my usual two hours.
And who do you suppose I saw. Chariz. It was quite, quite wonderful to see him. He is the only master whom I can talk to with ease, and who can raise me five every time. Jack was always available for me to blither at, but never was much for response. Chariz, on the other hand, leads the conversation down the paths he chooses, and is a joy to listen to. Although I remember getting weary of his poeticisms in the past. Perhaps it was because of the situation.
For your benefit, dear diary, Chariz was my master for four days during the fall of 1996. He was the dominant who lured me away from Volker and who I then left to return to Volker. He is in his 40’s, a Rumanian Jew with an accent he describes as continental, a “business consultant,” whatever that is, and a married man with teenage children. He lives somewhere in the Midwest. And that is basically the sum total of my knowledge of Chariz, the man.
Chariz the master is another story. I know him much better. He is into neither pain nor humiliation in and of themselves. He uses them only to demonstrate and nurture submission. Chariz rarely uses bindings. He prefers to ask his slave to hold still for him. Not to cry out. Not to moan. To take what he will give, the pain of the whip, of the hand, without flinching. This morning, he held me by the hair immobile, my eyes locked on his face. When I moved slightly, he slapped me hard. I kissed his hand.
Chariz can arouse me more with two lines than Kandor could with a whole scene. I don’t know whether it is because we are compatible, or because he is keenly aware of my sexual trigger points, or whether he has created these desires in me. My short relationship with Chariz was very important. For the first time, I realized that Volker was not the only person who could excite me, and that there were other paths than sadism. Now that I am past my relationship with Volker, it is evident to me that I am at least as excited by Chariz’s approach as I was by his, and not so scared.
Of course, the question I am asking myself is whether it will be possible to have a continuing relationship with Chariz. We talked about it theoretically this morning. Given Chariz’s need to control, to push, it seems hard to believe it would work. The first day he collared me, he gave me multiple instructions regarding real life matters. Nothing that interfered with the orderly conduct of business, but nevertheless, things which were intended to keep him in my mind when I was not online. For instance, he had me purchase clip-on earrings, and place one on my nipple for the entire day, switching right and left nipples every so often. I would like you to know, dear diary, that it is almost impossible to even FIND clip-on earrings in this day and age. He also requested that I buy heart-shaped jewelry (my nick as his slave was coeur) and wear it every day.
I would accept his collar again in a minute. But the parameters of his control will have to be understood in advance. I can’t be in the position of fighting or negotiating continually. It would be the same problem I had with Kandor, only far, far worse, because Chariz is so much cannier. But Chariz is right. If he has nothing of me that cannot be taken away by Karl, what do I have to give him? As Kandor said, what is in it for him?
As for me, I just love the feeling of drowning in masters, swimming in a sea of submission. They all meld together, and at least in my mind, no conflict exists. In reality of course, dominants are so competitive that they would find areas of conflict about whether I should wear grey tights or blue ones, short skirts or calf-length.
I think I am very greedy. It was delicious to be excited by Chariz online, and go upstairs and be excited by Karl in bed. Why can’t they just see it that way? 
Sunday morning
What happened to Saturday? I spent the day on the computer, in the morning talking to Chariz, in the afternoon talking to various and sundry. It was almost like old days, in the length of time I was able to stay on, because Karl took the kids skiing. I was supposed to have gone, but between a sore foot and a sore hip, was allowed to stay home instead. It was a good thing, too, because I was able to talk to Chariz for long enough for it to become clear that he was not for me. Not then, and not now. We talked for four hours. It took Karl almost an hour just to read the log. I realized that Chariz wanted someone like I used to be. He wants to control absolutely.
Realizing that Chariz was not going to be my master was a relief in several ways, especially after the four-hour marathon. But it made me sad too, because I still don’t know what I am doing online. Chariz was quite manipulative during our discussions, mainly about Karl, and between being tired, feeling guilty for having been inadequate with Karl Saturday morning, feeling weasely for having been online all day, etc., I have been in better spirits.
It is just amazing how many people have opinions on lifestyle D/s who haven’t got a clue as to what it really is and how it works. Not that Karl and I are experts, but at least we are here in the trenches. While I was talking to Chariz, he seemed so knowledgeable, so masterly, so smooth in his interpretation of natural masterhood. He was gently, ever so gently, critical of Karl’s techniques. Of course, even at the time I understood what he was doing, how he was probing for weaknesses that would allow him to take control. But what I didn’t really understand, until Karl pointed it out, was how really unsuitable he was to make judgments about our progress. What people experience online and through the phone, the episodic master/slave relationship that develops in this way, is just not analogous to a full-time relationship. Having been through both, I can tell you that a long distance relationship is easy, and almost entirely “fun.” There are few, if any, distractions. After all, what are we talking about? At the most, realistically, a few hours a day, and I doubt that many couples can manage even that. That is not to say that the intensity of the emotions developed online is not great or greater than that developed in real life, but it is a hothouse. It is D/s under glass, with gro-lites. You can get really, really big plants that way, and gorgeous flowers, but many will not withstand the transition to the outside. The cold breezes of reality, as it were.
The central issue in my life is my submission to Karl. What is it, how can I nurture and intensify it, how can I even hold onto it when things get tough? My discussion with Chariz was not productive in part because he and I were really talking about different things when we talked about submission. Perhaps masters just can’t discuss it, because they don’t feel it. Chariz talked about submission as if it were a string of behaviors: .you obey, are loyal, etc. But to me, submission is entirely a state of mind. And the state of mind produces the behaviors. They flow naturally from it. When I say that I am not feeling submissive, I don’t necessarily mean that I have done something wrong or been disobedient. I mean that my heart is not calm, that the serenity of submission has temporarily been lost. When I am feeling submissive, it is like being in a meditative state. I feel integrated and happy. Everything I do, from kneeling at Karl’s feet to washing the dishes to going to work and being a lawyer, seems merely the outward expression of inward peace. It’s fantastic. I wonder if there is some analogous feeling that masters have when they are feeling masterful.
Sunday evening
Karl is being awfully understanding about all my convolutions online, and awfully patient. In the long run, I hope that my trials and tribulations in cyber will prove helpful to us. Without that, we would certainly live a very hermetic existence. Not that we couldn’t grow and change ourselves, of course, but the things that happen on IRC do precipitate discussion and reflection. Karl read all of Chariz’s meanderings, and gave them a lot of thought. He does that with many of the logs of my conversations, so in fact getting as much out of my experiences as I do. For me, that is the primary reason to log now, not because I need to be checked up on.
Tuesday, March 25 evening
My feelings to Karl are maintaining a steady high. I feel submissive pretty much all the time, and with very little in the way of outside stimuli. No beatings for a while, no humiliation for a very long time, really nothing much more than kissing his feet and giving blowjobs. Practically a vanilla relationship. But it does seem as if we are not so dependent upon all the bells and whistles of D/s anymore. As if the domination and submission have started to really sink in, into us, no longer a veneer or activity, much more a state of being that we share. Certainly, the very thought of losing Karl is more than I can bear. For some reason, as I was driving to court today I recollected my feelings when Karl first told me he was going to leave me. It was an illumination of how precious the relationship is to me, especially now. The prospect of what would happen to me without him is horrendous; I literally and actually do not know how I could survive.
I do wish we had more time to experiment and play, though. We lead such busy lives, and most everything appears to be a priority, compared to our private hours together. When you count them all up, we have only an hour or so in the morning, and an hour or so at night, out of the whole day, when we can be alone and talk. And if we talk, then there is little time left over for anything else. Talking is so important, I don’t want leave that for the last. But I want everything else, too.
Thursday morning
Not much to say. Feeling slightly disgruntled – not spending as much time with Karl as I’d like, not spending as much time online as I want.
Friday, March 28. 3:30 a.m.
Sometimes I wonder how much Karl really wants to control me. Or did Chariz just fill me with doubts? I don’t think so, although it is probably not healthy for me to listen to someone denigrating Karl’s masterliness for four hours straight. Honestly, I would have to admit that I have had my own doubts from time to time, because of the way we began this great adventure. Most of the time any doubts are fairly well resolved, but sometimes they grow stronger. Right now, I feel pretty shaky. Karl got annoyed at me last night for not getting offline on my own; I tried to explain to him that I was unable to get off myself, that he needed to tell me to get off or give me a time. It was like he was hearing this for the very first time, like he hadn’t understood this before. And yet, we have tripped over this problem on many, many occasions, and it is really basic to who we both are, or at least to who I want us both to be. It is like Karl still expects me to be self-regulating, to show restraint and reason, rather than just obey him. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with those expectations, but they are vanilla expectations. Number 1, I can’t do it, and number 2, I don’t want to do it. But it frightens me that Karl still expects it, after all we have been through. And then, when it was 9:00 p.m., Karl started off to bed, and I was on the computer again. I asked if I should go offline, and Karl asked me what I wanted to do, as if that mattered. I don’t think he really ever told me to go offline, but I did anyway, and went upstairs. Karl acted a little as if he was hurt that I didn’t rush offline to be with him in bed.
I am not sure if I am explaining this very intelligibly. But there is something to the position that masterliness has got to be internal, has got to flow naturally from who a person is, just as submissiveness has to flow naturally. If it is just a series of actions, all of which have to be thought out, planned out, acted out, performed, as it were, it would be utterly impossible to do consistently, as a lifestyle. Impossible, and exhausting. It would be like being on stage 24 hours a day, in the most demanding role conceivable. But, I guess, that is what I am afraid Karl is attempting to do, at least when my doubts threaten to overcome me.
The best that I can put it is that I want Karl to control me with a firm but gentle hand. He does that much of the time. But at other times, we run into what I see as vanilla expectations, and I don’t know if they are a product of his weariness in general or his weariness of domination. I wish so much that this had all been his idea, that he was the one who was driven into this lifestyle by his needs and fantasies, and that I didn’t sometimes believe that he was just responding to me and my needs.
On the other hand, of course, is the fact that I know Karl is controlling, and that he does seem to be pleased by my submissiveness. But is being controlling the same as being a master? And is being aroused by me as a slave just a meaningless subset of being aroused by me as a female? Gee, I dunno.
Tuesday, April 1
Happy April Fool’s Day! I haven’t looked back to see when my last entry is, but it’s been awhile. Nothing very eventful has occurred in any of the facets of my life. I feel a little like I am in a holding pattern, though, with Karl in particular. I wish he would get over digesting and start controlling. That was a joke. I am feeling very fervent these days about IRC. It is hard for me not to spend more and more time online, searching for the perfect fuck. Or perfect combination of fucks, if I can’t find it all in one dominant. Believe me, this is a frustrating search, although the process is fun. On Sunday, I played online a lot, and got extremely aroused in the process. No one master was especially memorable, but the combination was very nice.
Sometimes, I wish that I could scenes with Volker again, forget the emotional baggage, the collar, the ownership, the pain. Just play. And see if it remains as magical as I remember it.
Wednesday, April 2
A very nice day today. And a very self-indulgent day too. I spent two hours online this morning being unfaithful to my new online master. Boy, this was the shortest-lived relationship yet. I no sooner accepted the collar than I regretted it. From 5:00 a.m. yesterday to 6:00 a.m. I swung 180 degrees around, and by the time I said goodbye, was bored and trying to figure out how to get released. Of course, it’s my inclination to just disappear, but Karl insists that I ask for release tomorrow morning. I am sure it won’t be unpleasant, and in fact he probably won’t care, but the thought of confrontation isn’t attractive.
So this morning, instead of having my confrontation, I skipped over to another channel and had a wonderful time with a dominant, basically being walked around on a leash for two hours. It may not sound like much, but it was just what I needed. I haven’t had any humiliation forever, it seems, neither real life nor cyber. Cyber can really make up for much in real life. Lately, Karl has seemed so distracted that it almost seems that domming me is just another burden that he has to shoulder. If I didn’t have cyber to supplement what I have with him during these lean times, I am not sure I could cope so well. As it is, I feel able to function, and able to maintain a level of submissiveness that feels comfortable, even if not challenging.
Thursday a.m.
Yesterday, Peggy wanted to know in what ways I thought I had changed since discovering D/s. I feel like I have changed a lot. Central, of course, it my sexuality, libido, whatever you want to call it. I remember distinctly that I didn’t used to get horny before, or at least not more than twice a year. Sex was just not part of my life, at least not sex that appeared to be acceptable to anyone else, including Karl. I remember the struggles we had over the years about bondage. Being tied up was, of course, the only way I could get off. I didn’t understand that in myself, but my instinct for survival at least allowed me to tell Karl that and to push for it as much as possible. And Karl was, naturally, very confused about bondage. The worst part of it was when he started making me feel guilty and selfish about wanting to be bound.
Looking back, it seems incredible that I could go for so long wanting to be submissive, go for so long missing the whole essence of who I am. And when I am feeling low, it’s those years of missed opportunities that really bum me out. Bitter does not even begin to describe how I feel. Yet, many people, perhaps even most, don’t ever reach the point that I am at now, and I should just feel lucky that I did get enlightened and that my most critical relationship was not only preserved but enriched.
Monday a.m.
Guess this was the lost weekend. Obviously, I haven’t written in my journal for a few days, and am not sure why. Nothing and a lot has happened, as usual. My life is like the classic Seinfeld episode. There’s no plot, really, but it’s very amusing. Did I mention I talked to Jack on the telephone? It was wonderful to talk to him again, after so many months. He is a much better conversationalist than writer, at least on IRC, and his voice is the ultimate in mellifluousness. He is still Jack, with a string of subs, none of whom ever quite work out. He gave me good advice, basically to chill out and give Karl time to unstress. Although, he is worried, because he knows me so well, and is convinced that I cannot be happy with someone who is domming me only because it is what I want. At any rate, it was as usual good for me to talk to him, and made me feel better about everything too.
In fact, I had my first scene with Jack since I first met him. He is much improved, although to enjoy it with him I really have to suspend disbelief, knowing as I do that he doesn’t get off on cyber at all, and even if he did, probably wouldn’t get off on what he did with me. Unless, of course, that has changed. When I met him, he was not into pain a bit. I suspect that is still true, but he covers it better than he used to.
It was a little odd scening with him, a tad like doing it with a brother or something. But a good reminder to me that the essence of all these relationships, even with Jack, is sexual.
Friday morning
It’s been a fairly uneventful week, and as you can see, I have begrudged the time it would take to write in my journal. It’s nice seeing Jack regularly again.
Karl is starting to realize how pervasive I need his control to be, but it is so slow. I don’t know if he knows how hard it is for me to see him struggle with this. I swing between thinking it’s okay for him to feel his way through the morass, and wanting to throw up my hands and accept whatever he can do on his own. It’s like the other morning. Really every day. But the other morning, he took control of my orgasm and refused to let me come. I relished that, even though it made me wild. We were downstairs, and had to go get dressed and I thought, “He should now want me to crawl upstairs on my hands and knees.” It’s what I felt like doing. But I didn’t say anything, and he apparently didn’t think of it, and so I just walked upstairs. Anyhow, its frustrating, and I feel like it’s just never going to happen because it’s NOT THERE. If he doesn’t get a thrill out of making me crawl, he doesn’t, and that’s that, I guess. Grrrrrr!
Tuesday, April 15
It was a funny weekend. Saturday was cold and bad. Bad in the sense that I was bored and ornery. Karl was kind enough to leave me home all day while he did things and it was very bad for me. We talked about it and I finally think he understands that control means he has to make me do things I don’t want to do sometimes. At least on Sunday he had no difficulty at all in keeping me going. We spent the whole day together, pretty much, and I felt wonderful and submissive, even sweeping the garage floor. Its not just “fun” things that turn me on, it’s obeying in general.
There was another reason I spent most of the day outdoors on Sunday. PaladinK asked me to accept his collar. I was wrong, but I changed my personal info without asking Karl first, but did tell PK that I had to ask Karl about wearing a collar. Jack, of course, thinks it’s a bad idea, but he doesn’t really understand where I am at these days. I think he is grateful to not be responsible for the decision; he told me just to do whatever Karl said. Anyway, Karl said that before he would decide about Paladin, I had to find IslandMan and ask for release. Darn! I hoped never to have to see him again. I spent all my online time Monday morning waiting for him to no avail. I did have a chance to see Chariz again and listened to his tale of woe. For which I was not much in the mood. I finally went on Dalnet and asked the op there if he had seen IM recently, but the op said no. So Karl has relented, and basically left the decision about Paladin up to me. I guess I really don’t want to be collared by him, after all. But I am also very nervous about telling him that. These doms don’t take rejection very well. But Paladin is too young again, like Kandor, and will bore me. I think, even for this sort of amusing side light to my real life, I need someone with more substance.
April 23
I have let an awfully long time go without writing. I haven’t felt like it, and have been busy besides. Paladin asked me to accept a collar; PaleHorse asked me the same thing. And what on earth snuck up on me? None of them. I met a guy named Sam, who is the first person who has disturbed me since Volker. Or am I making too much out of this? I can’t decide. Part of the problem is Karl, who has reacted strongly to Sam in the sense of seeing him as a threat. All I know is that I have very little interest in playing with anyone else at this point and am restless and bored if Sam is not around. Of course, this whole thing is only a few days old. The speed of IRC is amazing, sometimes. Now I don’t even feel like seeing Sam because I don’t know what I want to say to him. Oh shit.
April 25
I almost called Sam yesterday from work. He has an 800 number. Karl specifically told me not to get the number, but I did anyway, and erased the part of the log that contained that conversation. I felt very excited, but it wasn’t like it was before, just pure, unadulterated excitement. It was accompanied by a very bad feeling in my stomach, the first time I’ve felt that in a long time. I think it’s a guilty conscience. Anyhow, I sat in the office and couldn’t call and couldn’t decide definitively NOT to call. I thought about how much fun it would be to have Sam play with me, and then I thought about how Karl would find out and how angry he would be and how he might not forgive me this time. I finally called Jack instead, knowing exactly how he would respond. Jack had me tear up Sam’s phone number. Jack thinks Karl is much too lenient with me; he offered to give Karl suggestions on punishments, and told me that I wouldn’t like any of them. Is punishment really what I need to behave?
May 1
It seems like I never have time for this journal. But it’s just that when I am free to sit at the computer, what I want to do is go online, rather than write. The time I have these days is so limited. A few hours during the week, at the most. These morning hours are really the only uninterrupted time I have, and in my usual short-sighted way, I want to spend them having fun.
In the meantime, the biggest news is my relationship, if you can call it that, with Sam. He is the first person in a long time who can really arouse me. When you find someone like that it feels miraculous, especially when you’ve been playing around for a long time with very little to show for it. I never really realized how big a part compatibility plays in the match ups online. I took it for granted with Volker, never realizing that it was sheer luck that brought us together. Sam is not much like Volker, even. But he has an instinctive way of doing the right thing, saying the right words. I feel like this whole thing is much more in perspective for me than when I was with Volker. Although Karl is, I do believe, still afraid I will go overboard, it doesn’t seem likely to me. Left to my own devices I think I might get more involved, but I just can’t see myself getting lost again. I am so different from the person I was last July, or even November. What I really want to do is have fun online, and it is very fun to get incredibly aroused.
The question really seems to be: how can I maintain my intimacy with Karl and at the same time be happy online. I am convinced that my online playing is good for Karl and me in lots of ways. One, It provides a catalyst that we wouldn’t have otherwise and enough stimulation so that Karl and I constantly are forced to reexamine our roles and relationship, and change. Without the outside influence of IRC, I think those changes would be much slower, and we would be much more inclined to stay in our respective ruts, not even realizing there was more to do and experience.
Two, I think I need the additional attention and eroticism. IRC is very intense, and on a good day I can cram a lot of stuff into a few hours. Real life, however good, doesn’t provide the quantity of control that I seem to need. Karl is definitely moving toward greater and greater mastery of me, but there is only so much time during the week, and so much control that he is prepared to exercise at this point.
We do have more perspective now. I know I have to keep my emotions leashed or lose Karl, perhaps this time for good. Volker is very upset that he almost destroyed my marriage the last time we were together. And, Karl and I have progressed beyond the vanilla stage, at least theoretically, and are going through the motions of a D/s relationship. For a while it seems like we might be able to make it work. Volker defers to Karl, Karl puts up with Volker’s presence in my life, and I, I anxiously negotiate between the two of them.
